A Message from Your Brooklyn Private School’s Newly Elected Green Team President

First of all, a big thank-you to all our volunteers from last night’s “If It Ain’t Woke, Fix It!” fund-raiser.

As your recently elected Green Team President, I am super psyched to announce our Zero Waste initiative! As you know, this year our children are learning about saving the planet, so we decided that, as parents, we needed to start doing our part.

As mentioned last night, the plastic Mile of Shame that we built last year from Park Slope to Brooklyn Heights raised awareness, but also disrupted traffic and created a flooding hazard .

We all know how much our children love classroom celebrations, but, as of tomorrow, we will no longer be permitting any treats that require plates, forks, spoons, knives, cups, or napkins.

After the untimely passing of the third-grade classroom’s hamster, who ingested the recycled pencil shavings and shredded worksheets lining his cage , we have decided to completely eliminate commercial writing implements.

I cannot wait to see the new uniforms featured prominently in this year’s class photos, which of course will be stored by each of us in our mind’s eye, since we will not be hiring a photographer, in order to eliminate gigabytes of digital waste.

Thank you, everyone, for your enthusiasm and coöperation.

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